| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2007|08:47 am] |
So I'm moving in with John at the end of next week to the condo that he is closing on December 20.
Holy crap, we're finally doing it. I feel like a little kid playing house. I'm so excited :D
In other news, John is the most amazing boyfriend ever because my Christmas present this year involved going up to New York City this weekend and MEETING JASON ROBERT BROWN! I have no words to describe this whole experience. I had the most fabulous weekend, despite all the random misadventures yesterday.
The end of the semester is kicking my ass. I'm busting my rear end to get all my papers written, get Company started, and maybe find some relaxation. That last part has proven to be pretty fruitless at this point. As I type, I should be finishing up my last TV paper before I have to run to a work meeting, my last meeting as Musical Theatre Club President, a work holiday party, my last classes for Methods and Adolescent, and start packing up my room.
At least I can do it all while wearing a super cute new hat. It's the little things in life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2007|12:05 am] |
| [ | background noise |
| | Frou Frou - Let Go | ] |
I've become too reflective recently.
In awesome news, my writing skills seem to advance with every paper I write. This excites me.
I will elaborate more later. I'm just in a mood now thanks to my current music selection. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2007|03:56 pm] |
So this is what a good experience is!
I never thought I could be this happy in college. My life seemed doomed. Last year was definitely good, but I wasn't satisfied academically or with my work. This year completes everything that I've wanted over the past three years. Not everything's perfect, but for the most part, I'm in a good place. Let me explain:
1. Academics: Hello 4.0! I've always been a pretty smart kid. I graduated high school with a 3.4, great SAT scores, and a healthy desire to learn. Once I got to college though, I just couldn't find my footing. I floated from major to major, searching for something that I could like, at least somewhat. I tried to force myself into different departments, despite my incompatibility. Then came American Studies. I've never had such a good time in class before. All three of my AMST classes this semester have sparked my interest and challenged my way of thinking. I originally declared the Community and Diversity track, but now I've moved my focus to Media, Communications, and the Arts. I'm thriving in that focus. This could be my first semester with a 4.0. Rock on!
2. Work: I've been so lucky at Career Services. My mentor, Anne, has helped nurture my strengths within my job. I'm doing lots of presentations in addition to my advising. I really love having walk-in appointments. It's great to meet so many different people on campus, and really helping them in their lives. Even something as simple as a resume critique can help a person find a satisfying position. Anne's also helped give me more in-depth experience, because of my fellowship. I'm now helping the committee for our first annual Career Week in the spring. My main duties involve the design and implementation of the Arts Symposium, and getting more student involvement. Doing this kind of work stimulates me on many different levels. I'm still not 100% certain as to whether I would like to continue in higher education after school, or if I should try to go to grad. school for theatre education. Both fields bring a lot of joy to my life. My heart right now still leans towards theatre education. I'm still in love with Emerson and their grad program. We'll see as the next year pans out.
3. The Club: Admittedly, this year has gotten off to a slower start than I would have liked. I've tried not to let the club be my first priority in life, so I haven't given it as much momentum as I did last year. Everyone on the Exec. Board seems to be overbooked, so it's hard to pull things together quickly and passionately. Our new members, though, are fabulous. So talented and fun! Showcase is really going to be even better than last year's. I'm performing in two songs: Olive's part in "The I Love You Song" from ...Spelling Bee and Lucille's part in "All the Wasted Time" from Parade. Both numbers should be stellar. I'm still tight-lipped about the spring musical. We're still waiting for quotes and whatnot. It's going to be a good, productive year for the club.
4. Home: Well, this is both good and bad. I feel like my relationships with my family members are all still growing positively. But, if you didn't know, my dad just moved to Ohio. Mom will follow in the summer, so Chelsea can live at home for the rest of the year. We're having our first open house at the end of the month, which still weirds me out. It doesn't really feel like home anymore. On one side, I'm heartbroken that my parents won't be in Maryland anymore. We've been here for 10 years, almost half of my life. I've lived in Ellicott City longer than any other place in my life. It's my home. I love my parents. I love having them a hop, skip, and a jump away. It's comforting to see them every once in a while for dinner, or to stop by the house when I need to get away from school. More than anything, I will just miss them. On the other hand, though, I'm ready to move on from Ellicott City itself. I started letting go a long time ago. Things just turned sour at the start of 2005, and my heart just isn't in it anymore. I don't know if I changed, or what, but my attachments to most everything about high school have disappeared. I finally got to the point over the past year when I realized that I don't want to hold onto the past anymore. Too much has changed. Too much damage has been done. I look back over the past three years, and it makes me sad to know that I've damaged some really good friendships. I had to let it go, though. So much of my past kept haunting me; I needed to move on with my life in order to overcome the pain. So I have. My only real attachment to my past, now, is John. We've pushed through a lot of tough times over the past 4.5 years, and after all of it, I'm still convinced that he is my soulmate and best friend. We're both ready to leave Ellicott City soon; maybe move to Boston, or somewhere.
I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming the person I've always hoped I would be. I still have some work to do, but who doesn't? I hope everyone who actually still reads this is doing well. If you are in the area, you should come to my club's showcase on Nov. 9-10 here on campus. :) I love you all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2007|12:02 am] |
I start my new class in 9 hours. I have two chapters to read and an assignment due. And all I can think about it how I can't wait to look around Goodwill after work tomorrow.
This is arguably the first summer that I wish would go faster. I miss my friends. I miss the club. There is something cathartic about being busy to the point of mental insanity.
If you haven't head about Smirnoff Source, look it up. It doesn't get any crazier than that.
John starts his big-kid career in about 8 hours. I don't know what to say to make me feel less nervous about it.
I'm feel very scatterbrained right now. If you couldn't tell.
I'm uber excited about HP on Wednesday. I'm even more excited for HP AND Ben Folds/John Mayer on the 21st.
I want someone to come in and interior design my room. It needs a makeover.
I wish all of my best friends were in town. Silly Cassie and Mo living so far away.
I can't wait for the fall semester. I have big plans for myself and the club. Woo!
Ok, seriously, I need to go to bed. Or do homework. Or both. |
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| 50 random thoughts |
[May. 10th, 2007|01:28 am] |
| [ | emotional status |
| |  mellow | ] |
'ello one and all! I did this a while back, but it included 100 random thoughts. I'm scaling it down to 50 because, quite frankly, 100 sounds like a lot right now.
So here we go!
1. I'm watching the 1st episode of Scrubs, Season 4 on DVD right now.
2. Blisters are a bitch.
3. I've had a really hard time sleeping recently.
4. I've had a cough all night too.
5. It sucks mainly because I have an audition on Saturday.
6. Shit, I still don't know what I'm going to sing.
7. I'm hella nervous about it.
8. I just got hired for a year long job in Career Services next year.
9. I wonder when I'm going to find out about the fellowship.
10. I'm starting a low carb diet tomorrow.
11. The family and I are training for a marathon.
12. My phone is a piece of shit.
13. I've only had it since October.
14. I should clean my room this weekend.
15. That's probably not going to happen.
16. I'm happy the air is on right now.
17. Usually I get really warm at night.
18. I am excited to have the apartment to myself this summer.
19. Ha! Like I'm going to be alone at all this summer.
20. My shoulder itches.
21. I'm no superman.
22. I guess I should say superwoman.
23. That wouldn't go with the song though.
24. I wonder who reads this.
25. Leave a comment if you read this!
26. Come on, you know you love me!
27. It's weird to yawn so intensely even though your body won't go to sleep.
28. I hate all those lucky bastards who are done with school.
29. My club won an award on Monday, the UMBC Black and Gold Leadership Award for Emerging Group of the Year.
30. I started shaking after I accepted the award.
31. I was excited.
32. I don't think anyone is as excited about it like I am.
33. I have lots of plans for the club next year.
34. I already know I'm overloading myself next year.
35. I don't care anymore.
36. I can't wait to go to Florida this summer.
37. My stupid sister and stupid mom are in amazing Texas right now.
38. I can taste my own bitterness.
39. I wish I could bring one of my puppies here.
40. My new shirt from the Gap is wonderful.
41. I can't wait to see John graduate next week.
42. I NEVER HAVE TO VISIT TROY, NY AGAIN!
43. I'm excited for John living around here after he graduates.
44. Being a grown-up is really scary.
45. I hope that I'll be engaged by this time next year.
46. John, if you are reading this, it's not pressure!
47. I mean that because it's just a desire of mine, not a demand.
48. I love JD's description of his dream moment with Dr. Cox in this episode.
49. Idol sucked yesterday.
50. I don't have much that is interesting to say.
Feel free to ask questions about anything I typed. Comment! I want to know who is cyber-stalking me!
Wish me luck with sleep tonight! If I sleep before 4, it'll be a personal best in the past 2 weeks. Good night! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 14th, 2007|10:42 pm] |
| [ | emotional status |
| |  moody | ] |
In some bizarre twist of fate, I am the odd woman out in my circle of friends right now. Two couples and a two pairs of best/old friends. Normally, it doesn't matter. But on days like Valentine's Day, this concept becomes painfully obvious. Everyone comes and goes in pairs. When I call one person, I am actually reaching two. And when I need someone to just talk to or a shoulder to cry on privately, I don't have just one reliable person to turn to (on campus. I always have John... but I'll get to that in a minute). My best friend lives 7 hours away in New York. So when I'm in a bind or needing someone to look out for me, I'm up a creek without a paddle. I know this probably sounds silly, but it's how I feel, and it hurts right now.
I almost lost it today. Well, I did lose it. I cried all the way back to my apartment after rehearsal. I was so mad, so pissed off during rehearsal. And as I sat there, stewing, I realized that I didn't have anyone who looks out for me. No one to see past the facade and make sure I was ok. No one to tell me to stop sitting in the corner.
I missed John terribly today. He's flying home on Friday for the weekend, and it just needs to get here quicker.
I felt for the first time today the gap in age between me and most of my friends. The majority of my friends on campus are freshmen. Most of the upperclassmen that I've met are great, but already have their lives set up here. It just fits naturally that I create my life at school with others who are doing the same. I wanted to talk to someone today about how excited I am for my weekend. And here's why: John and I are going out to look at rings. And not just any rings, if you know what I mean. None of my close friends on campus can get excited with me. I mean, it's not like I'm getting engaged in two days, but it's in my relatively near future. Within the next year or two, John and I will be engaged and getting ready to start our adult lives together. My close friends are still 4-5 years away from that at least.
I've been really happy all week long. I'm disappointed in myself for letting some little things throw off my mood. Maybe once I get some sleep, I'll feel better. Maybe I won't. Maybe I just need to stop thinking for a while. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2006|12:40 am] |
So I should be reading or sleeping, but I'm not. Muhahaha.
I think I'm going to make this public again. It's a great tool to update everyone, because I don't have much time to fill everyone in on my life nowadays. And here's why...
...life at UMBC is wonderful! I'm a theatre education major, so I'm taking 4 theatre classes right now. Needless to say, my schedule isn't too crazy, but it's very phsyically demanding. I also co-founded a musical theatre club! I'm the president and my co-founder as VP! We are producing a musical showcase this semester called "A Night at the Movies", featuring songs from movie musicals or musicials derived from movies. Auditions are next week, so I still have some time to work out the kinks. We have around 55 members on our Facebook groups, which is promising. It looks like the Music Department wants to help us out, so that's wonderful for us! The club is taking a lot of energy, effort, and time, but damn, is it worth it!
Things are still going swimmingly with my roommates. They've become my closest friends on campus, but I'm still branching out through the club and classes. It's so weird to me. It's so much easier to be myself and outgoing at UMBC than it was at Penn State. I'm still not sure how that works, but I don't much care to think about it. I'm happy, and that's all that matters.
I'm not sure if you have noticed on Facebook yet, but it states that John and I are in an open relationship. Well, we are. I'm not really going to discuss the details, but rest assured, it is a good thing for both of us. It's not bitter or angry or malicious. Neither of us did anything bad to warrant it. We're young. We need some time to ourselves to explore before we really commit to the rest of our lives.
I feel like myself again. These past two years seem like a nightmare from which I just woke up. All the sadness, confusion, loneliness, ennui... well... it sucked. I'm so busy, but excited about what I'm doing. I am working toward amazing goals, both academically and personally. I'm opening up to people and listening to myself about what I really need. I'm taking chances and facing challenges. All stuff that I used to do all the time in high school. I think I'm going to get college right this time. Woo!
I hope everyone is doing well :) Let me know! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 25th, 2006|12:03 am] |
Jumping on the bandwagon. Do it if you wish :) Please?
Home in a week! Woo! Let me know if you will be home between March 4-8. And March 11. Because if you are and you like me, I want to see you. I might be gone for a day to go see Matt at JMU, but first I have to convince my mom to give me a car. Bah.
Oh and leave me some love. My weekend will be filled with sinus medication and studying. What an AWESOME combo. :-P |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2005|09:29 am] |
I'M GOING BACK TO PENN STATE IN THE SPRING!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2005|02:36 am] |
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I'm in the process of making this friends only. So sorry all you stalkers out there. Time for you to stop spying on me. If you actually care about what's going on with me, just let me know. I'll fill you in. If you don't care about me, then why are you reading this anyway? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2004|10:11 pm] |
| [ | emotional status |
| | all over the place | ] |
| [ | background noise |
| | Newlyweds in the background | ] |
I'm in State College!
I'm not in my dorm though. Most of my stuff has been moved in, but I'm waiting for the loft to be built tomorrow and we still need to work out the roommate situation.
I met Carrie tonight! EEEEEEEEEE! She's awesome! Chelsea said that she seems like someone who I could be good friends with. Which is good. Because I'm going to need it.
My assigned roommate is nice. She was gone a lot while I was in the room. But I'm still going to ask her tomorrow if she'd be willing to move out and over to Pollock.
I cried so much last night. John spent most of the day with me. We got our morning cuddles :D We also made Creamed Chipped Beef, my favorite breakfast, with Chelsea. Before that, though, Chels and I watched Barbie and the Sensations (childhood movie that we LOVE! LoL! It's so bad!) Later, Mom and I did some last minute shopping for a fan and a rug. We stopped by DLC to drop off The Wiz vocal book and then headed over to Outback for dinner with the family!!! :D It was great. After dinner, I went home and we packed the car. John brought me a banana-strawberry smoothie from the mall that was to die for! Then Chels, John, and I hung out downstairs. And I lost it. I cried so much just being in John's arms one last time. He stayed over until around midnight. I wish he could have stayed the night.
This morning was weird. Reality just didn't hit yet. Until I actually got here, into my room. Hannah and John came to say goodbye this morning, which was amazing of them. :D
Today, I got into my room, bought a tv, tv stand, a printer, vacuum, food, and my futon chair! I ate dinner with a couple of girls from my floor and my RA, who is also named Kelly. I put together most of my room, like I said, until I went to meet Carrie and her family at the Creamery. And we ate ice cream. And talked and laughed. And now I'm in the hotel room.
I miss my love. It's only our luck that the day that I leave is the day that he needs me most. I wish I could be there to keep his spirits up about his car. It's all broked and stuff, ya know. And he's just having a hard time. I'm dying inside because I'm not with him. It's my most important job in life, and I can't fulfill it. I can't until October. :\ Damn. I need to be with him. Sigh.
But for now, I need to make the most of what life has given me. I'm going to call Lindsay Good tomorrow, since she called me today :D And I'll be seeing Carrie tomorrow too. And I'll have my loft, and my house meeting, and convocation after my house dinner! So much to do tomorrow! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2004|09:46 am] |
| [ | emotional status |
| | mixed up | ] |
So...
This is it.
This just in: I think my insides are trying to escape because it feels like it's all just moving around in there. I'm so nervous.
Look, I'm going to finish this later. I'll update about my nice little party last night. I loved it last night. I'm scared for tomorrow morning. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2004|03:53 am] |
| [ | emotional status |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | background noise |
| | Comedy Central Presents Lewis Black: 2000 | ] |
I should never have looked at the computer when I got home. It's now 3:30 in the morning, and I want to sleep... but I can't...
Tonight was the John Mayer/Maroon 5 concert... and I must say... AHHHHHHHH!!! SOOOOO GOOOOD!!! :D I had a great night with John, Chelsea, and Bethany. Oh! And I won a free pair of Old Navy jeans. Pretty sweet if you ask me!
Tonight reminded me of how much I miss Matt. I really wanted him to be there with me. He would have loved the concert. From what he tells me, he's having a great time at JMU and that makes me so happy and relieved. But in 4 days, I'll be heading north and that opens up a whole new can of worms. We've been good at talking over the past few days... let's hope we can keep it up.
Other Kelly news:
- Work is finally over. No more getting up at 7 each morning. I'll miss all of the kids, the staff, and especially, Ms. Debbie. She's my second mother and I spent my whole summer with her. It's going to be a shock on Monday when I wake up and I don't have to worry about collecting costume money or making charts (or avoiding making charts) or reblocking a scene. Now, I must focus on...
-Packing. Or the lack thereof. I have packed anything and I have only 4 days left to do it. I'm such a slacker.
-I have a new digital camera, thanks to the overwhelming generosity of John and his parents :D I've been taking lots of pictures and I took a couple of movies from the concert tonight.
-Like I said earlier, Matt is gone. Saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing I've had to do all summer. I cried really bad that night, after I said goodbye. The reality is starting to sink in, and I don't know if I'm ready to handle it. :\
-Update: My year and a half anniversary is Saturday. Isn't that pretty crazy??
People are already planning on their visits to Penn State in the fall. Chels and Dad are coming up for Labor Day weekend for the Akron game, Hannah is coming around the 3rd week of September, John is hoping to come during his fall break in the middle of October, right after Family Weekend and Dad's mentor workshop.
Ok. Seriously. I'm nervous. I'm starting to cry more. My heart is torn in two. One side keeps me excited for school. I feel like I'm ready to go and start over and take the first big step towards my adulthood. But the other half holds me back. I'm anxious to leave behind all that I know, all that I love. I've spent the past 4 months with John, with the occasional day or two away from each other. He is my best friend and my love. We've grown together tremendously over the summer and I don't want to let it go. Last year was hard enough. I don't want another year of it. I am scared to live without the security blanket of my family. Chelsea and I have drifted over the past 6 months or so, and it's upsetting. I know that once I'm at school, I'm going to really regret not forcing her to hang out with me this year. But I can't change the past. I love my sister and I'm going to miss seeing her around the house and peeking into her room, just to annoy her. I'm really going to miss my daddy. :( He's allowed our relationship to mature and grow as I got older and it thrills me. I feel like he respects me as a person now, not just as his daughter. And that's exciting.
Too much sad thinking right now. I'm going to go watch some Lewis Black and watch his release some tension. Then maybe I'll feel less tense and I can fall asleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2004|04:43 pm] |
| [ | emotional status |
| | overworked | ] |
| [ | background noise |
| | The Wiz - I Was Born on the Day Before Yesterday | ] |
As you might have noticed, I haven't updated in a long time. But I'm taking time out of my craptastic schedule to make this very happy post:
Carrie is going to be my roommate next year!
If all gets worked out. My assigned roommate did not provide her home phone number to me and she's not in the PSU directory, so I cannot get in touch with her unless she calls me. Carrie's assigned roommate is cool with it, as long as she stays in Pollock (Damn you, Nicole!). So Carrie is taking a step down in rooms, which I greatly admire her for. :D
The next step is to fill out some paperwork before school and it'll be all done. Only one problem: all 4 parties involved must agree. Well guess what. I CAN'T GET A HOLD OF MY ROOMMATE! Grrrrr...
I'm determined to make this work. Carrie and I will be awesome roommates and I'm sooooooooooo excited to live with her. If only we can know for sure if it will be worked out. Which it will. I know it will. Because fate likes us like that. Fate just wants us to earn this.
Hehe. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2004|07:35 am] |
| [ | emotional status |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | background noise |
| | John's voice :) | ] |
So I'm up unusually early. It would suck royally if I hadn't rested with John for around 30 minutes, then got us coffee. I can't wait to spend all of my mornings with him. It's a nice way to start the day.
Rehearsal last night was long and tiring. Godspell opens in a week, which is definitely a mixed blessing. I love going to rehearsals with all the fun and interesting people and getting the chance to be in one more show with Chelsea, but I will not miss how much time Godspell took my schedule. I got home last night at 11. ELEVEN PM! Between work and rehearsal, I don't know how I am managing to keep up.
Tonight is the last Thursday of an era. It'll be, really, the only time I've hung out with everyone, Maria, Matt, Eddie, and Hannah, since Senior Week almost 2 months ago. And it'll be the last time we all see each other before college. The whole idea of Thursdays makes me sad. I haven't had a Thursday since Senior Week. Everyone else has seen each other. I've seen Matt and Hannah. But now it feels like I'm going tonight because of tradition, not because I'm wanted. I've always known that I was the expendible one, the "lost child". This summer is proof of that. I'll go off to college. I'll come home during breaks. I'll see Chels, John, Matt, and Hannah, plus the occasional cool friend who wished to spend time with me. But beyond that, I don't really expect to keep up with my friendships. It's been apparent by the lack of communication that I'm not cared for too much. But it's ok. I've accepted this fact. I try not to think about it too much. I just think to the future and what college has in store for me.
Speaking of college, I have my housing assignment, sans roommate though. Starting August 27, I can be reached at 225 Hastings Hall, University Park, PA, 16802. :D I find it sooooooooo exciting! AND! I got my football tickets in the mail yesterday!!!!!!! :D Oh man! The first game is the second weekend I'm in State College (Sept. 4). That's almost a month away! I'm hoping that John will come see me during his fall break so he can come to the Purdue game with me :)
I guess I should go get ready for work now. :\ But woo! John just called :D |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2004|07:13 am] |
| [ | emotional status |
| | groggy | ] |
| [ | background noise |
| | DMB - Lover Lay Down | ] |
Quick update before my super fast shower (I woke up and forgot that I had to go into work early today):
I still don't have control over what I do with myself. I wanted to go out yesterday, but guess what... Mom said I couldn't. After I worked from 8:30 until 5:15, my mom told me that I was still sick and I couldn't leave the house. Which is crap. I was really upset last night about that. Then, when I was sitting and watching Legally Blonde on tv last night, my mom got mad at me for not "resting". I then said, "So, sitting and watching a movie doesn't mean that I'm resting?" And she said, "No. You need to be in a bed laying down. You're sick." Right, mom. There's just so many things wrong with that and I still can't stand up for myself because I only have a month left and I don't want to leave on bad terms with my mom and I still want her to pay for my tuition and not cut me off. Argh! I'm 18 and a month shy of being a full time college student... let me feel like that, damn it! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2004|11:05 pm] |
| [ | emotional status |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | background noise |
| | On the Willows - Godspell | ] |
I didn't realize the complete truth of today until just now. Pre-sleeping mode opens up my mind to a whole new world of thought.
I forgot that the sentencing was yesterday. He got life with parole. I saw his picture on the front page of the Howard section of the Sun and was a little thrown off. Then I opened the paper to see Erik's face and quote and I started crying. He was right. Now it won't end. Knowing that someday he could be released and allowed to live his life. It just doesn't seem fair. Ben didn't get a second chance at life because of good behavior. His destiny was stolen from him. It's not fair. All I could think of today when I was alone was Ben, and Chris, and Erik, and Kevin, and Ben's parents. I flashed back to the viewing, to Midsummer rehearsals, to the memorial, to everything. It's been so long since I've had a day like today. It took a long time to get passed it all and understand how I felt about everything. I guess today was just a relapse. The hardest part of my day was watching John's reaction to the news. He also forgot about the sentencing. He really wanted to be there when the sentence was handed down. I couldn't say anything when he read the article or the few minutes after he read it. We both knew that it was bullshit, so there wasn't much to say. I felt almost helpless, watching him read the paper. I do feel helpless. John was much closer to Ben than I was, but I still feel the same as he does. When I'm around the people who were closest to Ben, I feel like I almost don't have the right to feel upset. It puts me in an awkward position.
I'm scared about having days like today while I'm at school. They don't happen often, but when they do, I need to be with people who understand or, at least, can bare with me. Here at home, I'm surrounded by people who shared this ordeal with me and understand how it affects you. But I've noticed that people outside of the situation, those who knew what happened but went to another school, treat the situation so flippantly. I'll never forget this:
(while at an audition for Children of Eden, just a few months after Ben's death)
Guy: "What school do you go to?"
Me: "Centennial."
Guy: "Oh! Is that where that kid, like, died or something?"
Me (not wanting to talk about it): "Yeah."
Guy: "Oh. Wasn't he killed? Did you know him?"
Me (getting angry at how nonchalantly this random guy is asking me these questions): "Yes. I was in a play with him and we had a lot of mutual friends."
Guy: "Oh. That sucks. Sorry." (turns away from me to talk to his buddy next to him)
From that moment on, I realized that, to everyone else, Ben's death was just another horror story on the news. They don't understand the amount of pain and anguish involved in such an incident. They don't understand how heartbreaking it is to watch some of your best friends break down for months because of the pain we went through. They don't understand what it's like to see people you love and care about, who once were happy and carefree, become hard and angry. We never thought it could happen, but it did. One of those random and seemingly distant 2 minute murder stories on the news unraveled right before our eyes. To us, it's real. To everyone else, it's still just a news story they'll forget in 10 minutes.
So much has changed since January 2003. And yet, the feelings are still the same. I still try to find the good out of all of the bad. Whenever I have days like today, I try my best to appreciate everything good in my life, especially if was indirectly affected by Ben. I know that may sound sadistic, but it makes sense. I don't want to think that Ben died in vain. I want to believe that his death served a greater purpose than just to cause pain. He made us aware of our lives. I learned so much about myself over the past year and a half. I know what true friends are. I learned that life is too precious to live incorrectly. I realized that I had to take my destiny into my hands and find what makes me happy. I still believe that Ben helped me find John. When I think of Ben, and when John comes up during my thought process, I feel happy and guilty. Blessed and selfish. It's hard to explain. I think Ben looked down at us and blessed us. And that fills me with joy. I always secretly felt like Ben brought us together and made sure that we had each other. But the times when John misses Ben and I'm holding him, I feel like in order to have me, John had to lose Ben. And that's when I feel guilty or selfish. I understand that it sounds irrational. I know it's pretty irrational.
It's been a long day. I've been sick and privately emotional. I think I'm going to hop in the shower, cool off, and pass out before a long day of work tomorrow. Sigh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2004|12:22 pm] |
| [ | emotional status |
| | yup, still sick | ] |
| [ | background noise |
| | Conan | ] |
Day number 3 at home. Going to the doctor soon to get some antibiotics. Thank goodness.
I got my AP score yesterday for Psychology and I'm very happy to report that I got a 4 and have earned credit for PSY002. Woo! I really didn't want to take it. Now I can move onto more interesting psych classes.
In other pertinent Kelly news, umm... well... there's not much to say.
Man, being sick sucks.
Sucks the big one. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2004|09:20 am] |
| [ | emotional status |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | background noise |
| | the dogs whining | ] |
Day number two of being sent home sick from work. Not fun, my friends. Not fun at all.
I went to NYC on Saturday, despite my current ill condition. Not including all the times I felt crappy, I had a great time :) We saw Aida with Deborah Cox and Adam Pascal. The show was awesome. All of the female voices were incredible, while a few of the men were either tired or just not well suited for their roles. I cried at the end :(
On our way down 5th Ave, John and I ran into Eddie Allen and his girl, Jen. We talked on a street corner. Then, we went our separate ways. John and I went to Tiffany's and got a polish cloth (for free, heh heh heh, I love cool customer service guys) We also looked around the store. I tried some stuff on. :) It was good. Then we walked 23 blocks back to the bus stop, only stopping to get some coffee (my NYC tradition), John's first hot dog from a street vendor, and pizza (it was soooooooooooooo yummy). The bus ride was filled with Mad Fun with Mad Libs, played by myself, John, Chelsea, and Theresa. Let's not forget "Then I pulled the tacos over my sausage." Heh heh heh.
Let's see. I got new glasses and contacts. I can see clearly now... that the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. La la la la la la la la la la. It's going to be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day!
Clearly, the medication has taken me over.
I think it's time to go sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2004|08:22 pm] |
| [ | emotional status |
| | sick | ] |
| [ | background noise |
| | I Love the 90s - 1997 | ] |
I feel special :) |
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